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Nick the Flying Brick
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Member of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party
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I am standing for the Crewe and Nantwich by-election on 22nd
May 2008
This is my election manicfesto: |
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Hello, the Flying Brick here, Shadow Minister for the ‘Abolition
of Gravity’.
I was given this Loony title beacause I used to paraglide round
the hills of Derbyshire, then I crashed. So now it’s a
vendetta against gravity and I am continuing my research into
its abolition from the safety of my laboratory.
I have ancient ancestral connections with Cheshire and the surrounding
area of Crewe and Nantwich. My great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather Delves
of Doddington, was thrown out of the family in the fourteenth
century for an unpaid bill at the Red Lion.
My first policy for this coming by-election is it’s time
for the passengers of the entire country to ‘All Change
at Crewe’.
I would open a huge Train-spotting University sited in the Crewe
station Basford Hall shed.
Crewe and Nantwich would be declared a ‘no-car’ zone
with every residence connected with their own private rail network.
Crewe and Nantwich Loony’s would move the Westminster Houses
of Parliament to our new headquarters The Rising Sun, Earls
Street, Crewe.
I will introduce piranha to the river Weaver, this will make
fishing a spectator sport. Tourism would be increased tenfold
and jobs increased in the Leighton Hospital. I propose a new,
world leading, ward opened specialising in fish bites.
The Euro. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party is a very
old, established, political organisation; we have changed little
in the last sixteen centuries. We cannot even start to think
about the Euro as we have yet to recover from the shock of decimalisation
in 1971. We would like Great Britain to re-introduce Pounds,
Shillings, Groats, Pence and Farthings. Rural areas would be
encouraged to continue using systems of barter with small livestock
and shiny beads.
Eventually Europe would be allowed to join our currency although
we would expect a courtesy gift of large amounts of fine wine
and cheeses.
Whoever thought of situating Bentleys at ‘Pyms Lane’
should be given a knighthood.
On my walk-about in Crewe town centre I have heard a lot about
the unwelcome introduction of fortnightly bin collection. I
propose that any citizen of the Crewe and Nantwich Constituency
who actually manages to close the lid of their wheelie bin on
the day of collection should be awarded a brand new Bentley.
This will be paid for by a European grant.
I hope the readers of the Crewe Chronicle will realise that
they should be strong like Gresty the Lion. They have the political
muscle to vote for the only true PARTY of national importance.
On Thursday 22nd May I hope that you will enter the voting booth
with conviction knowing you are voting for the only candidate
who makes any sense. Vote for Insanity, vote for Nick Delves
the Flying Brick, VOTE LOONY!
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